


A Very Criminal Secret Santa

by pink_amaterasu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2018, Christmas, Families of Choice, Family, Gen, Sasori secretly loves his Akatsuki family, Secret Santa, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 10:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17119643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pink_amaterasu/pseuds/pink_amaterasu
Summary: Who would imagine the Akatsuki is going to make a Secret Santa this year?





	A Very Criminal Secret Santa

**Author's Note:**

> This is my gift for [Jade](http://fish-d.tumblr.com/) for the Akatsuki Gift Exchange. I really hope you like it and have a wonderful Christmas <3  
> This story is focused on Sasori's view of the Akatsuki as a family, so it's extra sarcastic.

“You are late, Deidara.” Sasori was a very methodical and punctual man. He was never late and almost never early.  He always arrives at the right time and, above all, he never let anyone waiting for him, as he knew this is utterly impolite.

He waited for his companion at the Iwagakure Mall’s entrance, as he wasn’t familiar with the location. He shouldn't be too harsh on Deidara though, as he was actually doing him a favor. Sasori admitted, it was nice of him to go to the mall with him in order to help him buying the right gift for the Secret Santa.

_ A Secret Santa happening in a high ranked criminal organization, filled with the most dangerous nukenin of the planet?, _ you may ask. Sasori also thought it was very silly, a teenage way to celebrate the end of another year and all their accomplishments. They could just to a grown up gathering at some fancy restaurant, or drink to forget all their problems. Even Kakuzu would approve this, despite this idea being more expensive in the end.

“Sasori no Danna! Finally found you. I’m not late, I just passed by the fireworks store and had to buy these, hm.” Deidara opened his side bag to reveal dozens of fireworks, all of them in different shapes and colors. Obviously Deidara couldn’t just pass by an arsonist store without taking something sparkly, Sasori wasn’t even a bit surprised.

“Alright, we are already late. Why don’t you just show me that shop you told me about?”

“Late for what? We’re finished with our missions, hm. Just relax a bit, Sasori no Danna.” With this, Deidara grabbed Sasori by his shoulders and started to lead him towards the shop he told him about.

* * *

 

The Secret Santa was actually another one of Tobi’s crazy ideas, but Sasori didn’t think Konan and Pein would just accept it right away, without questioning it even for a bit.  _ Since when they both do listen to Tobi?,  _ Sasori wondered. Tobi was the most lunatic of them all, and that was a position hard to reach, since their entire organization seemed to be a mental hospital. The only reasonable person Sasori used to trust was Konan, but this was before she said she “approved Tobi’s idea” and that “must be good to reinforce the teamwork”.

Saying that, when Sasori found out who was his assigned giftee, he was worried. Of all the Akatsuki people, his giftee had to be Hidan. He had no clue about where to start. Sasori always had a hard time figuring out what passed by the teenagers’ minds.

That was when he had a brilliant idea. Who understood better the teenagers than a proper one? And he was lucky that no one other than his own partner in crime was a teenager. Deidara would surely be of help.

The very next day, Sasori ambushed Deidara with his puppets in order to ask him for help. And no, Sasori certainly couldn’t just ask him like a normal human being. He plotted an entire plan, involving tricking Deidara into going to the basement to get him some screwdriver he “had forgotten” and “needed urgently in order to fix Sandaime” - his favorite puppet of all -, then trapping Deidara inside of Hiruko and asking for his help without possible complaints about how he “couldn’t say who his giftee was” or how he was “killing the festivity spirit”.

After releasing Deidara, he was a bit stressed, but he didn’t complained a lot, which Sasori counted as a success.

* * *

 

“No way in Hell I’m walking into that!” What on Earth Deidara was thinking?

“Come on, Sasori. You know Hidan will love anything from here.” Deidara wasn’t wrong, but this was too much for Sasori. Why couldn’t they go into a more murdery store? It was really necessary going into a-

“A sex shop? Really, Deidara, this was the best you could think of?” Sometimes Sasori would ask himself why he’d still ask for Deidara’s help. Or for anyone’s help, for that matter.

That was when he remembered what the Akatsuki organization actually meant to him. Yes, they were a bunch of crazy weirdos coming from a lunatic parade, but they were also the ones closer to what Sasori could call a family. Even knowing the advice coming from them would probably be completely dispensable, Sasori secretly enjoyed asking for their ideas. 

Like that time when Sasori asked for Itachi’s advice about what to cook for a business dinner with the elite nukenin of Takigakure and he had lent him his Secret Recipe Book, which Sasori soon found out that only contained dango recipes. That dinner turned out to be a mess, the deal wasn’t closed after all, as the nukenin entered on a glycemic coma after eating too many sweet dangos. Or maybe it was just the poison Sasori decided to add on their drinks when he realized that was leading to nowhere and they wouldn’t accept their demands.

Or that time when - well, Sasori hadn’t exactly asked for it, but still - Kisame decided to teach him how to swim in a lake after a mission back in Kirigakure. The major issue was that Kisame apparently had forgotten that Sasori was - almost - a puppet, made of the most noble wood he could have found to build a perfect immortal body, and that plus water was a very terrible combination. Long story short, Sasori took three entire days to get rid of all the water in him. And he didn’t learn how to swim at all.

This is what families are about, right? Bad advice, unasked attempts to help and screwing up. But, above all of this, there is the support given from them and the escape from loneliness.

Sasori always hated being lonely. The last place he would imagine finding company was at a criminal organization, but he wasn’t one to complain about it. 

He could bet every family was made of an authoritarian dad with God-complex, a mildly-responsible and very protective mom, a weird uncle that sells illegal items on the black market and hates to spend money, a cool shark uncle that likes to help everyone with anything you may need, that cousin who’s better than everyone at everything and all the family is proud, like, “Oh,  your cousin Itachi slaughtered an entire clan in one single night when he was just thirteen, why don’t you stop playing with your puppets and go ahead slaughter some clans?”.

There must also have some crazy nut headed cousin that you are very thankful for existing because this way you’re no longer the family disappointment, as you can say “At least I don’t have to make some weird ritual every time I murder someone, which increases the mission time spent by, at least, eight percent,” that special cousin that insists his art is better than yours - but it totally isn’t - and both of you, against all the odds, end up being really good friends and relying on each other for almost anything. 

Other family members must be the crazy aggregate relative you don’t understand at all because everything he says is dispensable and does not affect the organization’s business at all. And… well, Zetsu. Sasori didn’t know how exactly describe Zetsu, so just this should work. And, of course, let’s not forget about the uncle everybody despises because once he tried to steal your cousin’s body to achieve immortality or something - as if turning into a puppet isn’t better for becoming immortal -, and then he is cast out of the family and you make one of your life missions to exterminate him. Sasori was sure every family had one of those.

Anyways, Sasori used to space out sometimes, but he was brought back from his own mind when he had an idea for Hidan’s gift. “Come on, Deidara. I have a better idea. Do you know if there’s a store that sells cult instruments? I think Hidan would like a brand new altar for his sacrifices.”  


End file.
